I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
