alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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