If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
