I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
