it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
