i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
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Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You made out with two different species that night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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