all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
