my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
