god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
