Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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