I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
