the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
