Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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