everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I supernannyed him into submission
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
