at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My feet surprised me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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