I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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