please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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