I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
