forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
