mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
