i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
