Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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