rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
