How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just cropdusted the office
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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