Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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