Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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