birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
