Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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