There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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