apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
