I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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