her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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