If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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