bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
third nipple confirmed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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