Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
