Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
