I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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