I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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