we're chasing vodka with high fives
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
