Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
