I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
