I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
