Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
