The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
