Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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