so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
