I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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