Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Boobs are out for the taking
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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