Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
