Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
