Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
