I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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