girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
