She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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