I will die if light touches me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
