Swine flu. Run for my life!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
