I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
